20. If necessity is the mother of invention, then Frustration is the father of masturbation!
21. While preparing her RESUME a young Lady wrote:
Special qualification: I am Flexible enough to Perform in all Positions.
22. Importance of UNITY explained at it's best:
One Leg of a woman tells the other: UNITED we are saved, divided we are Fucked.
23. What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
24. Boss to a lady during interview: What's the difference between Paperclip and Screw?
Lady: I don't know, I have never been paperclipped.
25. What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !
26. Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages? I've been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old sex all that time.
27. Two prostitutes were talking,
1st: We r in the best business in the world.
2nd: How?
1st: We have it, sell it, and we still have it.
28. Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
29. Great door signs:
Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: Wwe repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.
30. Similarity between a dick & matchstick?
Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightiest friction, both fizzle out after showing valour for 2secs !!!
31. In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the cleavage!
32. Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?
So that it won't poke a man in the eye!
33. Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it again.
34. A just born baby was laughing hard with its tiny fingers closed. The confused Pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers & found... A Birth Control pill !
35. Why can't anybody satisfy a Woman Completely?
Because nobody has a Dick made of Gold, Decorated with Diamonds & which Ejaculates Cash!
36. Life is all about Ass; We are either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one!
37. 70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.
38. Response during sex:
Mistress: Wow ! Darling this is great.
Whore: Come on finish it now.
Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly.
Wife: Ceiling needs painting !
39. Height of being Realistic: An actress being fucked by a producer widout using a condom saying that she has 2 play the role of a Pregnant lady in his next film!
40. Fact of life: When a girl attains maturity, she wants to wear a bra... When a boy attains maturity, he wants to remove that bra.....
Showing posts with label Dirty SMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dirty SMS. Show all posts
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Dirty SMS Collection 5
80. Condoms are not 100% safe. The other day my friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!
81. Accident takes a minute but sufferings last a lifetime. Plz wear Condom & Helmet on ur appropriate heads during Respective Driving.
82. Ancient Chinese wisdom for men: Always marry a woman with small hands. Makes u'r cock look bigger!
83. Q: What did the sign s on the door the door of the Whorehouse say?
84. Ganguly to his wife during sex- PITCH is dry, Grass not cut, Slow outfield.
Wife (Dona) replies- Nonsense!!! Inzamaam scored century on the same PITCH!!!!
85. Students of 5th class asked teacher:
can we have kids?”
Teacher replied ”Never”
Boy said to girl :
I told you not to worry
86. Maths teacher: If you have
twevel chocolates
and u give
five to meena,
three to teena and
four to nina
then what will you get?
Student: three new girlfriends.
87. Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
88. A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
89. What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
90. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
91. A boy asked his mom where do babies come from and the mom said the stork, then the boy said who has s*x with the stork?
92.A train is bout 2 crash! A frantic virgin strips off & says can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die? So a man takes off his clothes & says iron these!
93. fucking girls yes papa
using condoms no papa
getting AIDS ha ha haaaa.
94. Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshol_e does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!
95. What's the geographical definition of sex?
It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from Greece!
96. A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole.
97. Old chinese proverb says: "Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok."
98. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
99. A frustrated father's defensive reply in a sms msg to his offensive unruly son... I should have wasted u in the bathroom!
100. A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking & hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid excitement.
81. Accident takes a minute but sufferings last a lifetime. Plz wear Condom & Helmet on ur appropriate heads during Respective Driving.
82. Ancient Chinese wisdom for men: Always marry a woman with small hands. Makes u'r cock look bigger!
83. Q: What did the sign s on the door the door of the Whorehouse say?
84. Ganguly to his wife during sex- PITCH is dry, Grass not cut, Slow outfield.
Wife (Dona) replies- Nonsense!!! Inzamaam scored century on the same PITCH!!!!
85. Students of 5th class asked teacher:
can we have kids?”
Teacher replied ”Never”
Boy said to girl :
I told you not to worry
86. Maths teacher: If you have
twevel chocolates
and u give
five to meena,
three to teena and
four to nina
then what will you get?
Student: three new girlfriends.
87. Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
88. A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
89. What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
90. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
91. A boy asked his mom where do babies come from and the mom said the stork, then the boy said who has s*x with the stork?
92.A train is bout 2 crash! A frantic virgin strips off & says can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die? So a man takes off his clothes & says iron these!
93. fucking girls yes papa
using condoms no papa
getting AIDS ha ha haaaa.
94. Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshol_e does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!
95. What's the geographical definition of sex?
It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from Greece!
96. A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole.
97. Old chinese proverb says: "Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok."
98. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
99. A frustrated father's defensive reply in a sms msg to his offensive unruly son... I should have wasted u in the bathroom!
100. A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking & hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid excitement.
Dirty SMS Collection 4
61. Girl: Xcuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never fucked ur mom.
Girl: True, but my father did !
62. What's a contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy. Now dont ask wats the first thing!
63. Teacher: What do u know about Sensex?
Pappu When we have sex with Riya Sen, Raima Sen, Rimi Sen, Konkana Sen & Sushmita Sen etc. it's called Sen Sex!
64. During war, enemy soldier sees 3 nuns. He says I want revenge & remoevd his pants. Young nun requested Plz spare older Nun.
Older nun: Shut up u Bitch, War is War.
65. Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?
Wife: That I married u for ur money.
66. How do you define a virgin?
On the Verge but not in!
67. Lecturer in a medical college class: Man's semen contains glucose. One of the female students had doubt and she asks: Then why it doesn�t taste sweet?
68. Sex is like your Income... You never disclose what you get, but you always think others are getting more.
69. What is virginity?
Virginity is a big issue over a small tissue.
70. What has fifty teeth & guards a monster?
Your Pant Zip !
71. Why is Pool called a fool's game?
Coz u hold the stick & put the ball in the hole, instead of holding balls & putting the stick in the hole!
72. What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
73. Last night at a party, someone yelled: Married guys, stand next to the person who's made your life worth living! The bartender was almost crushed!
74. A couple, recently married, were unhappy with the whole thing... He was unhappy with the hole and She was unhappy with the thing!
75. Tell me the name of the guy who made u pregnant?
Darling: Dear, if u eat fifteen bananas, can u tell which one made u fat.
76. He asked: How do you feel about SEX.
She said: Well I like it Infrequently.
HE asked: Is that One word or Two?
77. Dear Sexscriber, Ur SEX Balance is Low, Ur Account Will be Put into Virginity Mode. Pls Refuck as Soon as Possible to Keep Ur Account ACTIVE. Condoms Apply...
78. Two Gays got into a heated argument. Whilst arguing, 1 of them shouted: Kiss My Ass!
The other replied: This is not the time 2 b romantic.
79. AIDS Awareness: Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women. Plz pass it on to all careless fuckers. I just did.
Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never fucked ur mom.
Girl: True, but my father did !
62. What's a contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy. Now dont ask wats the first thing!
63. Teacher: What do u know about Sensex?
Pappu When we have sex with Riya Sen, Raima Sen, Rimi Sen, Konkana Sen & Sushmita Sen etc. it's called Sen Sex!
64. During war, enemy soldier sees 3 nuns. He says I want revenge & remoevd his pants. Young nun requested Plz spare older Nun.
Older nun: Shut up u Bitch, War is War.
65. Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?
Wife: That I married u for ur money.
66. How do you define a virgin?
On the Verge but not in!
67. Lecturer in a medical college class: Man's semen contains glucose. One of the female students had doubt and she asks: Then why it doesn�t taste sweet?
68. Sex is like your Income... You never disclose what you get, but you always think others are getting more.
69. What is virginity?
Virginity is a big issue over a small tissue.
70. What has fifty teeth & guards a monster?
Your Pant Zip !
71. Why is Pool called a fool's game?
Coz u hold the stick & put the ball in the hole, instead of holding balls & putting the stick in the hole!
72. What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
73. Last night at a party, someone yelled: Married guys, stand next to the person who's made your life worth living! The bartender was almost crushed!
74. A couple, recently married, were unhappy with the whole thing... He was unhappy with the hole and She was unhappy with the thing!
75. Tell me the name of the guy who made u pregnant?
Darling: Dear, if u eat fifteen bananas, can u tell which one made u fat.
76. He asked: How do you feel about SEX.
She said: Well I like it Infrequently.
HE asked: Is that One word or Two?
77. Dear Sexscriber, Ur SEX Balance is Low, Ur Account Will be Put into Virginity Mode. Pls Refuck as Soon as Possible to Keep Ur Account ACTIVE. Condoms Apply...
78. Two Gays got into a heated argument. Whilst arguing, 1 of them shouted: Kiss My Ass!
The other replied: This is not the time 2 b romantic.
79. AIDS Awareness: Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women. Plz pass it on to all careless fuckers. I just did.
Dirty SMS Collection 3
41. Luv is not measured by Hugging, Kissing & sex. It's all about Trusting Respecting & Accepting a person with open legs, closed eyes & wet lips saying Push it more.
42. Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.
43. Knowledge is like ur underwear... U should have it, but not show it off & most important, while having sex, keep ur knowledge aside!
44. If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him to wear a condom after sex.
45. Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?
Dr: The compounder will not be here...
46. Playboy has started a special edition for Married men. The same woman is featured every month.
47. Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Gril: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.
48. Why did Shahid and Kareena break up?
Because she wanted to have Saif Sex !
49. First Doc: I had sex with my patient. I'm feeling guilty
Second Doc: It happens in our profession. Take it easy yaar.
First Doc: Yeah, but I'm a Veterinary doctor.
50. A old woman calls the Police department and says: I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!
51. A man is a king. A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches.
Are you a man?"
52. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. How time flies! It seems like yesteraday when she was crawling around the White House on her hands n knees puttin everything in her mouth!
53. Give an example of Complete business failure due to negligence.
A pregnant prostitute.
54. Twenty-Five Uuseless things in a Man's body: 20 Nails you can't Hammer, 2 Tits you can't Milk, 1 Cock that doesn't Crow, and 2 Balls you can't Throw !!
55. What's the similarity between women & folding chair?
Both are useless unless until u don't open their legs.
56. Stock broker catches wife in bed with other man: What's going on?
Wife: Due to boom in market & ur less investment capacity, honey I've gone for PUBLIC ISSUE!
57. A Survey Report:
Women who sleep on their sides are Sensitive.
Who sleep on their stomach are Competent.
Who sleep on their back with Legs in the air are MOST POPULAR!
58. Lady: Dr.! How long is it before I can resume my normal Sex Life?
Doctor (shocked): You are the first one to ask me that after a tonsil-operation!
59. Sex n shopping have one thing in common: In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
60. Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fuckin her!
42. Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.
43. Knowledge is like ur underwear... U should have it, but not show it off & most important, while having sex, keep ur knowledge aside!
44. If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him to wear a condom after sex.
45. Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?
Dr: The compounder will not be here...
46. Playboy has started a special edition for Married men. The same woman is featured every month.
47. Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Gril: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.
48. Why did Shahid and Kareena break up?
Because she wanted to have Saif Sex !
49. First Doc: I had sex with my patient. I'm feeling guilty
Second Doc: It happens in our profession. Take it easy yaar.
First Doc: Yeah, but I'm a Veterinary doctor.
50. A old woman calls the Police department and says: I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!
51. A man is a king. A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches.
Are you a man?"
52. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. How time flies! It seems like yesteraday when she was crawling around the White House on her hands n knees puttin everything in her mouth!
53. Give an example of Complete business failure due to negligence.
A pregnant prostitute.
54. Twenty-Five Uuseless things in a Man's body: 20 Nails you can't Hammer, 2 Tits you can't Milk, 1 Cock that doesn't Crow, and 2 Balls you can't Throw !!
55. What's the similarity between women & folding chair?
Both are useless unless until u don't open their legs.
56. Stock broker catches wife in bed with other man: What's going on?
Wife: Due to boom in market & ur less investment capacity, honey I've gone for PUBLIC ISSUE!
57. A Survey Report:
Women who sleep on their sides are Sensitive.
Who sleep on their stomach are Competent.
Who sleep on their back with Legs in the air are MOST POPULAR!
58. Lady: Dr.! How long is it before I can resume my normal Sex Life?
Doctor (shocked): You are the first one to ask me that after a tonsil-operation!
59. Sex n shopping have one thing in common: In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
60. Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fuckin her!
Dirty SMS Collection 1
Dirty SMS Collection
1. Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a
flat so how the damn do i know.
2. Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now
they have a son.
3. Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned
it into nylon
4. Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it
spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!
5. I was nervous at first, it was big & long &went straight up, Ihad to try it... i eased myself
onto it & i liked it! i went up & down on it, i love escalators now
6. From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue
feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!
7. In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think
of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because
I am hungry.
8. Someday u may lose ur hair.u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.But
1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks.coz u cant lose wot u don't have!
9. I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!
10. It goes in dry it comes out wet.the longer its in the stronger it gets.we can have it in bed
just you and me...its not what you think its a cup of tea!
11. Last nite i wantd u.needed u so badly dat it hurt.wantd 2 taste u.i wantd u in me so u could
work ur magic on me...but i couldnt find u.u stupid.. PARACETAMOL!
12. At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick.i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow
quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?
13. Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in
slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam
14. Last nite i coodnt sleep.i wantd u warm against my skin.i wantd u on me.i wantd 2 feel
u all over my body.. but i coodnt find u!Where did i put my PYJAMAS?
15. I luv the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creatin a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrust
in & out up& down, can't wait til nxt time I LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
16. come here.take off ur pants and get on top of me....enjoy me until ur totally satisfied
lovingly urs TOILET!!!!
17. Wen i look at the sun i c u!wen i look at the moon i c u!wen i look at the sea I c u...
well get out of my way!
18. At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on
19. Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.
1. Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a
flat so how the damn do i know.
2. Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now
they have a son.
3. Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned
it into nylon
4. Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it
spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!
5. I was nervous at first, it was big & long &went straight up, Ihad to try it... i eased myself
onto it & i liked it! i went up & down on it, i love escalators now
6. From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue
feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!
7. In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think
of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because
I am hungry.
8. Someday u may lose ur hair.u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.But
1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks.coz u cant lose wot u don't have!
9. I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!
10. It goes in dry it comes out wet.the longer its in the stronger it gets.we can have it in bed
just you and me...its not what you think its a cup of tea!
11. Last nite i wantd u.needed u so badly dat it hurt.wantd 2 taste u.i wantd u in me so u could
work ur magic on me...but i couldnt find u.u stupid.. PARACETAMOL!
12. At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick.i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow
quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?
13. Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in
slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam
14. Last nite i coodnt sleep.i wantd u warm against my skin.i wantd u on me.i wantd 2 feel
u all over my body.. but i coodnt find u!Where did i put my PYJAMAS?
15. I luv the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creatin a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrust
in & out up& down, can't wait til nxt time I LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
16. come here.take off ur pants and get on top of me....enjoy me until ur totally satisfied
lovingly urs TOILET!!!!
17. Wen i look at the sun i c u!wen i look at the moon i c u!wen i look at the sea I c u...
well get out of my way!
18. At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on
19. Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.
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